Alright, buckle up, because today we’re diving into the wild world of roasting. You know, those zingers that hit just right—funny, savage, but never too harsh. I remember back in school, I once tried a roast on my best friend and ended up tripping over my own words. Classic cringe moment. But hey, roasting is an art, and like any art, practice makes perfect (or at least less awkward).

So, I’ve gathered 90 good roasts that you can pull out anytime you want to add some spice to a conversation, or just keep your friends on their toes. And I promise, these aren’t your basic “your mom” jokes (okay, maybe a few sneak in). Let’s keep it fun, light, and oh-so-savage.

Why Do We Love Roasting?

Before we jump into the 90 good roasts, let me just say—roasting isn’t about being mean. It’s like verbal sparring with gloves on. Think of it like fencing, but with words. Back in the day, people used to duel with swords; now we duel with witty insults and snarky comments.

I even read once (don’t ask where) that roasting was a tradition in ancient Rome—kinda like a comedy battle. Imagine Julius Caesar dropping savage burns instead of crossing the Rubicon.

Anyway, let’s get to the good stuff.

The Best Classic Roasts

1. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

Classic, right? I use this one when I want to feel smart without trying too hard.

2. “You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.”

I think this one might be my mom’s favorite. She said it once at a family dinner and we all felt the burn—but in a nice way.

3. “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”

Trying to keep it visual and awkward, because that’s always fun.

4. “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”

Simple, savage, and somehow poetic. Like a meteorologist with a mean streak.

Funny Roasts That Hit Close to Home

5. “If I had a dollar for every smart thing you said, I’d be broke.”

Honestly, this one makes me laugh because it’s so obvious but feels fresh every time. I once said this to my cousin after a debate, and she just stared. No kidding, straight up wild.

6. “Your secrets are safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.”

Classic fake support roast. It’s like saying, “I care enough not to care.”

7. “You’re like a software update. Whenever you show up, I think, ‘Not now.’”

Tech roast for the modern savage. And I have this weird habit of ignoring updates until my phone basically dies. Don’t judge me.

Roasts to Use on Friends (Because You Love Them… Kind Of)

8. “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”

Yeah, yeah, I know I repeated this one. But it’s just so good, like my childhood toy I kept playing with even though it was missing a wheel.

9. “I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.”

Feel free to pull this one out when your friend is just not getting it. I once said this during a math test. Not proud.

10. “You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.”

I can’t take credit for this one—heard it at a family BBQ and it stuck like glue. My uncle said it to his brother, and they both laughed way too hard.

Savage Roasts for the Workplace (Careful Now!)

11. “I’m not saying you’re slow, but it took you an hour to cook minute rice.”

Funny enough, this reminds me of that time I tried cooking as a kid and almost set the kitchen on fire. No kidding, mom still brings it up.

12. “You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the office.”

This one feels like it belongs on a cubicle wall.

13. “Your email signature is longer than your actual message.”

Office culture can be brutal, right? I swear, some people write novels in emails. Meanwhile, I’m still figuring out how to hit “reply all” without panicking.

Roasts That Are Weirdly Wholesome

14. “You’re like a puzzle with half the pieces missing. Cute, but confusing.”

This one makes me think of those jigsaw puzzles I never finished as a kid. So many missing pieces—just like my patience sometimes.

15. “You’re proof that even evolution can take a day off.”

Probably not true, but hey, it sounds savage. Reminds me of that weird sci-fi book I read once—House of Leaves—where reality itself gets all wonky. Spooky stuff.

16. “You’re like a software license agreement. Everyone skips you, but you’re kinda important.”

This one works on so many levels. I mean, who actually reads those things?

Quick One-Liner Roasts That Kill

These are perfect when you want a quick jab.

• “Your brain’s like the Bermuda Triangle—stuff goes in, but it never comes out.”
• “You bring everyone so much happiness… when you leave the room.”
• “You’re the human version of a participation trophy.”
• “I’d explain it to you, but I’m fresh out of puppets and crayons.”
• “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”

Honestly, writing these down made me laugh way too hard. Wrote this paragraph by hand. Then spilled coffee on it. Classic.

Roasts for Social Media Savvy People

17. “Your posts are like a software update—nobody wants them, and they’re always disappointing.”

Social media is like a minefield of terrible content, and sometimes roasting the content itself feels like therapy.

18. “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”

Okay, third time’s the charm, right?

19. “Your selfie game is strong… strong enough to scare small animals.”

I’m probably too honest sometimes. Reminds me of when I tried taking selfies and ended up with like a thousand weird faces.

Roasts That Make You Think (Or Laugh)

20. “You’re like a software bug—annoying and impossible to ignore.”

Programming jokes are my jam, but don’t worry, I won’t bore you with code. Unless you ask nicely.

21. “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.”

This one hits that weird balance between funny and harsh, but in a good way. Like that moment when your brain just decides to take a nap.

22. “You’re proof that even a broken clock is right twice a day.”

I’m honestly a little scared I say this to myself sometimes.

The Ultimate List of 90 Good Roasts

Okay, okay, I hear ya. You want the full 90, no frills, no wait time. Here it goes, broken into bite-sized chunks so you don’t get overwhelmed:

23–40

• “Your secrets are safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.”
• “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
• “You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.”
• “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
• “You’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in queue.”
• “You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.”
• “You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.”
• “I’m not saying you’re ugly, but your face could scare the crap out of a hungry dog.”
• “Your brain’s like the Bermuda Triangle—stuff goes in, but it never comes out.”
• “You’re the human version of a participation trophy.”
• “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”
• “I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.”
• “Your email signature is longer than your actual message.”
• “You’re like a software update. Whenever you show up, I think, ‘Not now.’”
• “You’re like a puzzle with half the pieces missing. Cute, but confusing.”
• “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.”
• “Your selfie game is strong… strong enough to scare small animals.”
• “You bring everyone so much happiness… when you leave the room.”

41–60

• “I’m not saying you’re slow, but it took you an hour to cook minute rice.”
• “Your posts are like a software update—nobody wants them, and they’re always disappointing.”
• “You’re proof that even evolution can take a day off.”
• “You’re like a software license agreement. Everyone skips you, but you’re kinda important.”
• “You’re the reason the WiFi goes out.”
• “You have the emotional range of a teaspoon.”
• “I’d explain it to you, but I’m fresh out of puppets and crayons.”
• “You’re the human equivalent of a typo.”
• “You bring a lot of joy—mostly to people watching you leave.”
• “Your face makes onions cry.”
• “I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.”
• “You’re as sharp as a marble.”
• “If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
• “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
• “You’re the human version of a dial-up connection—slow and annoying.”
• “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”
• “You’re like a slinky. Not really good for anything, but you bring a smile when pushed down the stairs.”
• “Your life’s a joke, but don’t worry, not everyone gets it.”
• “If you were any slower, you’d be going backwards.”
• “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”

61–90

• “Your secrets are safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.”
• “You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.”
• “I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you have bad luck thinking.”
• “You’re like a software update that never finishes installing.”
• “Your face could scare the paint off a wall.”
• “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
• “You’re as pointless as a white crayon.”
• “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
• “You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.”
• “You have the personality of a wet mop.”
• “You’re as useful as a chocolate teapot.”
• “Your brain’s the size of a pea… a very small pea.”
• “You’re like a participation award—everyone knows you didn’t earn it.”
• “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”
• “You’re like a WiFi signal in a concrete bunker—nonexistent.”
• “Your jokes are like expired milk—nobody wants them.”
• “You bring everyone so much happiness… when you leave.”
• “If I wanted to listen to an idiot, I’d turn on the TV.””
• “You’re the human version of a typo.”
• “You’re like a slinky, not really good for anything but fun to watch fall down stairs.”
• “I’d explain it to you, but I’m out of crayons.”
• “Your face makes onions cry.”
• “You’re like a broken pencil—pointless.”
• “Your life is a meme, but no one’s laughing.”
• “You have the emotional depth of a puddle.”
• “You’re like a cloud—when you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
• “You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.”

Final Thoughts on Roasting

Man, I gotta say—writing out these 90 good roasts was both therapeutic and hilarious. I hope you got a chuckle or two. Roasting is like seasoning; too much and it’s a disaster, but just right? Magic happens.

I remember once my little cousin tried roasting me and it was so bad, I just laughed and gave him an ice cream. Honestly, roasting is best when it’s lighthearted and fun. So use these roasts wisely, and maybe don’t unleash them on your boss… unless you’re ready to look for a new job, lol.

If you ever get stuck on what to say next time, just come back here and pick a line. They’re battle-tested, time-tried, and slightly weird (like me).